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Finding Our Families: A First-of-Its-Kind Book for Donor-Conceived People and Their Families, by Wendy Kramer, Naomi Cahn
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The first comprehensive book that offers invaluable step-by-step advice for families with donor-conceived children.
Wendy Kramer, founder and director of the Donor Sibling Registry, and Naomi Cahn, family and reproductive law professor, have compiled a comprehensive and thorough guide for the growing community of families with donor-conceived children. Kramer and Cahn believe that all donor-conceived children’s desire to know their genetic family must be honored, and in Finding Our Families, they offer advice on how to foster healthy relationships within immediate families and their larger donor family networks based on openness and acceptance.
With honesty and compassion, the authors offer thoughtful strategies and inspirational stories to help parents answer their own, and their children’s, questions and concerns that will surely arise, including:
- How to support your children’s curiosity and desire to know about their ancestry and genetic and medical background.
- How to help children integrate their birth story into a healthy self-image.
- How to help your children search for their donor or half siblings if and when they express interest in doing so.
- Sales Rank: #111557 in eBooks
- Published on: 2013-12-03
- Released on: 2013-12-03
- Format: Kindle eBook
About the Author
Wendy Kramer created the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR) website with her son, Ryan, and is also its director. She lives in Nederland, Colorado.
Naomi Cahn is a family law professor and the Harold H. Greene Professor of Law at The George Washington University Law School.
Most helpful customer reviews
30 of 34 people found the following review helpful.
the decision whether or not to use donor sperm can be a very tender and painful process. When reading this book
By Terry
I had a REALLY hard time with this book. I may be wrong, but I got the feeling that the author who had a donor child, was a single mom by choice. It seemed to me that the book was written very much through that lens. Based on the reading I have done, the most common folks to seek donor sperm are single moms by choice, lesbian couples, and heterosexual couples. I have read that the children born in these different scenarios, will often have different tendencies regarding how interested they are in their donor. Typically, children born to single moms will have the most interest in their donor and children born to heterosexual couples (especially when they are close with their dad), will have the least interest in their donor. I have read accounts of teenagers and adults who are born into this last scenario, and their interest in their donor ranged from mild curiosity to indifference. However, in this book, nearly every donor child quoted, seem to have a passionate interest in meeting their sperm donor and was "thrilled" upon making contact with him. Perhaps, the donor children that contributed to this book were all from the Donor Sibling Registry. While I think the sibling registry is a valuable resource, I do not think that the feelings of the kids on the donor registry are representative of donor kids on the whole. By default, kids on the registry are going to have more interest in their donor connections.
I was also uncomfortable when the authors would start a sentence with "you need to". There are so many different types of families and situations and using a donor often has a lot of complexities. I do not find the "one-size-fits-all" approach to be helpful and I think it can even be hurtful.
I know from personal experience, that for men in heterosexual couples, the decision whether or not to use donor sperm can be a very tender and painful process. When reading this book, I wanted there to be way more sensitivity to how men in this position may feel, not to mention how a non-biological mom in a lesbian couple might feel. If a man was considering having a child through sperm donation, I think it could be painful for him to read this book and it may even, dissuade him from going that route. After all, a good father of a donor child gives decades of his blood sweat and tears to his child whereas the donor, in a matter of minutes, gives his sperm and gets paid for it. I could understand how a man might be discouraged at the prospect of giving their heart and soul to a child only to have them (based on the accounts in this book), grow up and be ultra focused on their donor. Fortunately, there are other books on this topic like "Helping the Stork "and "Relative Strangers " that give a much more balanced perspective. And here is a link to an excellent article on the subject http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12721193.
15 of 16 people found the following review helpful.
Finally a Positive, Honest and Informative book for Donor Families and those in the Donor Industry.
By Lisa by the Sea
This book is full of the kind of information I wish I'd had while navigating the childhood of my donor conceived son. I don't think very many of us considered all of the issues and questions that would arise as our children got older. Even though my son is now 21 years old there were still many questions to be answered. After reading the book cover to cover I can honestly say that "Finding Our Families" provides answers to ALL of the questions our family has pondered over the years. It also includes helpful information about how and where to begin your search for your donor and/or a donor sibling. If for no other reason than to have access to any disease/genetic information that has come to light since the donor filled out his profile as a young and healthy college student. We registered with the DSR (Donor Sibling Registry) when it first began and my son has connected with one of his two donor sisters. Their relationship with each other has been a gift to both of them and they continue to text and/or talk daily even though they are in colleges on opposite coasts. One of the most important points that Wendy makes is that it's hypocritical for parents, who so strongly desired a biological connection to their child that they chose to use donor sperm/egg so the child would be biologically related to one of the parents, to expect that their child doesn't have the same desire and right to have that same biological connection with their donor or donor siblings. Although it has long been established that secrecy in adoptive families is emotionally devastating to the adopted child it hasn't been acknowledged or accepted (in the U.S.) that donor conceived children have the same issues. My hope is that everyone connected to the sperm/egg donor industry, including the donors, will read this book. Not only does it address the ethical issues involved in the industry but it also addresses the emotional issues that are likely to develop for the donor and the donor conceived children. It's time to acknowledge and address the fact that donor families don't always have the storybook endings that many in the fertility industry assure will be theirs once they finally have the baby they've longed for. It's also time that the rights of donor conceived children are given the same priority as those of adopted children. Their desire for a biological connection to their biological father/mother is no less than the same desire of adoptees. Not only do I have a copy of this book but my son and his donor sister (or as we refer to her...his sister) each have a copy of the book at their respective universities and both are planning to incorporate the info into a research paper next semester. I think it will be wonderful for others to be exposed not only to their open and positive attitudes towards their conception but also to the facts and info shared in "Finding Our Families." Thank you Wendy Kramer and Naomi Cahn for finally writing this helpful and honest book. Thank you for having the insight and courage to address all of the tough questions, concerns and curiosity surrounding donor families. It's been a long time coming and I know it's going to change many lives for the better.
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
A Comprehensive Guide with Lots of Heart
By Susan
Finding Our Families is a must read for anyone in any part of a process related to donor insemination. Whether you've just opened the door to an idea about using donor sperm or your donor children are grown, this is a book for you. Comprehensive, thoughtful and full hearted, this book addresses the myriad of issues that can arise in donor families.
It is an inclusive, sensitive map to guide anyone touched by the joys and complexities of donor insemination. The authors pull from the amazing anecdotal work Kramer has done, as well as research she's spearheaded in this arena. Three cheers for this groundbreaking work and may it reach a professional audience, as well as the families they write about.
Susan Frankel, MFT (Marriage, Child and Family Therapist)
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